This tab here is specifically for the awareness and support of those who are in a
Domestic Violence situation and or environment.

There's plenty of information out there for those who are struggling to cope, understand, survive and or escape such a relationship. I will feature here the information I find as well as credit the authors and specialists who aim to help persons struggling in such a relationship.

Click the red escape button above to immediately leave this site if your abuser may see you reading it.

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Effects of Domestic Violence

Families or individuals who have experienced domestic violence are in the process of healing both physically and emotionally from multiple traumas. These traumas can have various effects on the mind, body and spirit. It is natural to experience these, and acknowledging the effects can be an important first step in embarking on a process towards restoration and healing.

People who are exposed to domestic violence often experience physical, mental or spiritual shifts that can endure and worsen if they are not addressed. According to a study done by the Centers for Disease Control, nearly three in every 10 women—about 32 million—and one in 10 men in the United States who experienced rape, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner reported at least one measured impact or effect related to forms of violent behavior in that relationship.¹

Even though survivors may experience similar types of abuse, the response to trauma may vary from person to person. Many factors can influence how a person responds to short- and long-term effects of the abuse, such as the frequency of abusive incidents, degree of severity and the effects on physical health.

The overall impact of domestic violence also depends on the individual’s natural reactions to stress and ways of coping with stressful situations. Other factors can include age in which the trauma occurred, previous exposure to unrelated traumatic incidents and extent of therapy or timing of intervention.

It’s important to know that the effects of domestic violence can be overwhelming to experience, and even to learn about. It’s common for someone in an abusive relationship to not recall many aspects of their personality before being abused, especially if they have been exposed to violence for an extended period of time.

Sometimes, it may seem as if the violence defines their identity. But know the effects of domestic violence are possible to overcome, and it is possible to break the cycle of violence.

Recovery from exposure to domestic violence is possible, and although it requires addressing painful realities, it also entails discovering new inner strengths, a process that needs time, space and safety to begin.

Trauma in the Body

When a physical danger threatens our control, ability to escape, or is something we can’t stop, we enact a natural instinct for survival. This includes the body summoning a tremendous amount of energy to fight or flee—short circuits. These short circuits ricochet through a person’s body and mind. This can result in shock, dissociation and many other kinds of involuntary responses while the violence is happening.

The short circuit stays with us long after the violence ends, and is the origin of the mental, physical and spiritual effects of domestic violence.

Many people who go through traumatic events may find that it can take some time to re-adjust and cope for a period after the event. The residual mental, physical and spiritual effects of domestic violence can permeate the daily lives of survivors, which make it difficult to heal.

For some, there are severe effects in the immediate aftermath of an assault that may or may not last. For others, the effects come in waves and are not felt until the shock of the event wears off.

Effects of Domestic Violence

Abuse can have a serious impact on the way a person thinks and interacts with the world around them. The chronic exposure to domestic violence—and the stress fear resulting from this exposure—can cause not only immediate physical injury, but also mental shifts that occur as the mind attempts to process trauma or protect the body. Domestic violence affects one’s thoughts, feelings and behaviors and can significantly impact one’s mental stability. Increased anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder and depression symptoms are commonly observed among survivors of domestic violence.

PTSD. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that is triggered by a terrifying event. Some common symptoms associated with PTSD are flashbacks, nightmares, severe anxiety and uncontrollable thoughts about the event. Many people who go through traumatic events have difficulty adjusting and coping for a while. But with time and support, such traumatic reactions usually get better.

Depression. Depression is more than common feelings of temporary sadness. Symptoms can include prolonged sadness, feelings of hopelessness, unexplained crying, changes in appetite with significant weight loss or gain, loss of energy or loss of interest and pleasure in activities previously enjoyed. Depression can affect a person’s outlook, which can lead to feelings of hopelessness. This, in turn, can impact his or her thought process and ability to make decisions. In extreme cases of depression, people may even experience suicidal thoughts and/or attempts.

If you or someone you know is feeling suicidal, refer them to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-TALK.

Depression remains the most common symptom exhibited by survivors of domestic violence. According to a study done in 2000, 60 percent of battered women reported feeling sad or depressed for extended periods of time.² For a full list of symptoms, click here.

Dissociation. Dissociation usually refers to feeling like one has “checked out” or is not present. In some instances of dissociation, people may find themselves daydreaming. But in situations where dissociation is chronic and more complex it may impair an individual's ability to function in the “real” world, such as not being able to focus on work related duties or being able to concentrate on schoolwork.³

One in seven people who have experienced domestic violence sustain a physical injury.⁴ Given the nature of the crime, it is extremely common to retain bruises on the arms from being gripped, broken bones or other physical injuries from abusive incidents.

People experiencing domestic violence often cover up their injuries to avoid being questioned by others. Oftentimes injuries are explained by stating one tripped and fell, or breaking something that resulted in an injury.

A survivor may avoid speaking openly about his or her injuries due to feelings of shame or because speaking openly about the injuries can place the person at a greater risk of being abused. If you or someone you know is experiencing physical injuries frequently, it might be indicative of an abusive relationship. There are resources to help you here.

Common physical evidence of domestic violence includes:

Bruises or that look like they came from choking, punching or defending oneself
Black eyes
Red or purple marks at the neck
Sprained or broken wrists

There are also physical effects of domestic violence that affect a person’s overall health. These result from trauma and can manifest immediately after an incident of abuse or later after the abuse has ended. Common physical effects of trauma include:

Chronic fatigue
Shortness of breath
Muscle tension
Involuntary shaking
Changes in eating and sleeping patterns
Sexual dysfunction
In women, issues with menstrual cycle or fertility

Coping with the effects of domestic violence can be overwhelming, often because the survivor’s control over the situation has been taken away by the perpetrator. When this has occurred, a survivor may have the need to self-medicate or use drugs or alcohol to help him or her cope with the overwhelming feelings.

Engaging in self-injurious behaviors can also bring a sense of control over a person’s environment and serve as a release of tension. It is an action that is not always performed with suicidal intent, although occasionally it can result in severe harm or death. These are temporary coping strategies that can lead to deeper issues in the future.

In addition, domestic violence can change one’s worldview and outlook on life. Being in a situation where a person is being controlled by another can create feelings of hopelessness. A survivor may develop a negative outlook in which he or she may feel “damaged” or unworthy of a better life.

A perpetrator can chip away at a person’s self-esteem with constant criticism or insults, which can lead the survivor to question her sense of self in relation to the world. A faulty belief system can contribute to feeling discouraged and apprehensive about the future.

Domestic violence can also take away a person’s sense of safety and security, influencing his or her ability to trust others. Conflicts with spirituality are also common, especially in situations where the perpetrator used the person’s faith to control him or her. Survivors might feel unmotivated, empty or like reaching out is not worth the effort.

But know that the effects of domestic violence are possible to overcome. Although it often requires addressing painful realities, it also entails discovering new inner strengths, a process that needs time, space and safety to begin.

With time spent healing, developing strong positive coping mechanisms and taking care of oneself, such reactions tend to become less severe and it is possible to reclaim positive relationships with others and yourself.

Next section: Resources

Previous section: About the issue

¹Black, M.C., Basile, K.C., Breiding, M.J., Smith, S.G., Walters, M.L., Merrick, M.T., Chen, J., & Stevens, M.R, The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS): 2010 Summary Report, (2011), Atlanta, GA: National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. www.cdc.gov.
²Barnett, (2000).
³ National Alliance on Mental Illness, via rainn.org, “Dissociative Identity Disorder,” (2000). www.nami.org.
⁴ Black, M.C. et al, (2011).

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"End and Heal from Emotional Verbal Abuse Recognize It’s Not about You"

From the Desk of Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.
Wednesday June 4, 2014

Dear Friend,
Emotional verbal abuse is toxic, clearly. But when on the receiving end, it can be confusing, debilitating and often keep you spinning. It's the most common form of abuse within relationships. We hear about it daily and see its impact on people of all walks of life. It has no particular target. Female, male; rich, poor; black, white, yellow; educated, professional and not; no specific religious or political orientation... It can show up in just about any household imaginable.

Yet when it does, we are in awe. Trying to understand it, trying to stop it, wanting to heal from its impact. We know it is wrong. We know it hurts. And we realize our partner’s commentary to diffuse, minimize, justify and defend the emotional verbal abuse is utterly ridiculous.

We seek to stop the ongoing flow of verbal licks and emotional manipulations. And we long to heal from the scars of emotional verbal abuse. Question is how?

We’ve just met, so let me introduce myself...as you may be wondering, why listen to me?

I have been helping people identify emotional verbal abuse for nearly a decade. And I serve as a consulting expert on both civil and criminal cases, when emotional verbal abuse spirals out of control. The first book I wrote on the subject, All But My Soul, became a college textbook in criminal justice. Since this time, I’ve published over 100 articles on identifying, ending and healing physical, emotional and verbal abuse. I am a seasoned psychologist of 27 years. And this background gives me the benefit of understanding the psychosocial dynamics that bind abusive relationships as well as the mechanics of healing relationship abuse.

Knowing "It" from the Inside Out

But all of my knowledge about the dynamics of emotional verbal abuse and healing from partner abuse doesn’t come from the hundreds of books I have read or from the people I have helped. It also comes from the fact that I, too, lived the nightmare of emotional verbal abuse.

So I know it from the inside out as well. And I know how hard it is to sort out what's his/hers from what’s yours. I truly understand how important it is for you to clearly identify and end emotional verbal abuse when you’re struggling with it at home and in your relationship. And I know the benefits this will yield to you and to your entire family.

End Your Confusion about Emotional Verbal Abuse

In as little as one hour, you can be well on your way identifying emotional verbal abuse as it lives in your relationship. And this clarification and understanding can equip you with the tools to avert the potential impact of emotional verbal abuse and even arrest its insidious flow.

"For the first time, I experienced "being heard." Reading these books resonated too deeply at times, and on other occasions gave voice and perspective to unresolved questions that have been brewing within. Thank you so much! I found it an enormously beneficial, enlightening and supportive experience." Anonymous

"Seeing the subtle signs helped me recognize what drives his verbal abuse." S.A., San Diego, CA

"The Secrets for Greater Well-Being are great to focus upon after a relationship where I became lost in doing what I felt I was “supposed” to be doing. I had lost myself and paid for it. Not a path I wish to walk again..." Anonymous Survivor

"It reinforced for me more about what I had acknowledged about the abuse. I must say it even validates the victim too. They will realize where the crazy making and confusion that an abuser does to his or her victim comes from." Anonymous Survivor

Emotional Verbal Abuse: How to Recognize, Cope and Heal

Features and Benefits

Shows you the purpose emotional verbal abuse serves for your partner so that when you see it, you will respond in a way that supports your integrity.

Reveals what to be cognizant of in order not to internalize emotional verbal abuse.

Shows you professional recommendations for deflecting emotional verbal abuse before being blindsided by it.

Gives you an understanding of the larger context from which emotional verbal abuse exists, so you’re in a better position to deal with it for what it truly is, rather than from the confusion it can create.

Offers insight on "emotional safety" which serves to help you prevent the potential for emotional verbal abuse.

Allows you to see how and why it’s not about you, which liberates you from its potential mental and psychological devastation.

Helps you understand why your partner minimizes, distorts and denies his/her verbal assaults, which leaves you on top of the interaction rather than buried in it.

Shows you the relationship between other forms of domestic abuse and the role emotional verbal abuse plays in maintaining unequal power in a relationship.

Reveals the real problem with promises when it comes to emotional verbal abuse, which empowers you in your moments of reconciliation.

Teaches you how to stay out of the line of fire of emotional verbal abuse, so you can maintain your equanimity during relationship conflict.

Provides you with techniques to end mental memories of emotional verbal abuse so that you find your peace, harmony and well-being.

Gives you insight on fear and the choices you have regarding it, so that you can be empowered when faced with this emotion.

Shows you powerful methods for healing emotional verbal abuse freeing you from carrying these wounds any further in your life.

Gives you concrete secrets for establishing and maintaining greater well-being today and throughout your life.

From the Desk of Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. http://www.enddomesticabuse.org/index.html

Additional Resources

Intimate Partner Violence

Intimate partner violence (IPV) is a serious, preventable public health problem that affects millions of Americans. The term "intimate partner violence" describes physical, sexual, or psychological harm by a current or former partner or spouse. This type of violence can occur among heterosexual or same-sex couples and does not require sexual intimacy.
The goal is to stop IPV before it begins. There is a lot to learn about how to prevent IPV. We do know that strategies that promote healthy behaviors in relationships are important. Programs that teach young people skills for dating can prevent violence. These programs can stop violence in dating relationships before it occurs.

In The Spotlight

Intimate Partner Violence: Definitions

IPV can vary in frequency and severity. It occurs on a continuum, ranging from one hit that may or may not impact the victim to chronic, severe battering.

There are four main types of intimate partner violence (Saltzman et al. 2002):

Physical violence is the intentional use of physical force with the potential for causing death, disability, injury, or harm. Physical violence includes, but is not limited to, scratching; pushing; shoving; throwing; grabbing; biting; choking; shaking; slapping; punching; burning; use of a weapon; and use of restraints or one's body, size, or strength against another person.
Sexual violence is divided into three categories: 1) use of physical force to compel a person to engage in a sexual act against his or her will, whether or not the act is completed; 2) attempted or completed sex act involving a person who is unable to understand the nature or condition of the act, to decline participation, or to communicate unwillingness to engage in the sexual act, e.g., because of illness, disability, or the influence of alcohol or other drugs, or because of intimidation or pressure; and 3) abusive sexual contact.
Threats of physical or sexual violence use words, gestures, or weapons to communicate the intent to cause death, disability, injury, or physical harm.
Psychological/emotional violence involves trauma to the victim caused by acts, threats of acts, or coercive tactics. Psychological/emotional abuse can include, but is not limited to, humiliating the victim, controlling what the victim can and cannot do, withholding information from the victim, deliberately doing something to make the victim feel diminished or embarrassed, isolating the victim from friends and family, and denying the victim access to money or other basic resources. It is considered psychological/emotional violence when there has been prior physical or sexual violence or prior threat of physical or sexual violence. In addition, stalking is often included among the types of IPV. Stalking generally refers to "harassing or threatening behavior that an individual engages in repeatedly, such as following a person, appearing at a person's home or place of business, making harassing phone calls, leaving written messages or objects, or vandalizing a person's property" (Tjaden & Thoennes 1998). Learn more about stalking .

Why is a Consistent Definition Important?

A consistent definition is needed to monitor the incidence of IPV and examine trends over time. In addition, it helps determine the magnitude of IPV and compare the problem across jurisdictions. A consistent definition also helps researchers measure risk and protective factors for victimization in a uniform manner. This ultimately informs prevention and intervention efforts.

References

Saltzman LE, Fanslow JL, McMahon PM, Shelley GA. Intimate partner violence surveillance: uniform definitions and recommended data elements, version 1.0. Atlanta (GA): Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Injury Prevention and Control; 2002.

Tjaden P, Thoennes N. Stalking in America: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey. Washington (DC): Department of Justice (US); 1998. Publication No. NCJ 169592. Available from: http://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles/169592.pdf

[PDF 186 KB]

Domestic Violence: Love & Control
Author: Colleen Pixley
Publisher: Do It Now Foundation
Date: March 2002

All in the Family

What is domestic violence?

How many kinds of abuse are there?

Some examples of the main types of abuse include:

Physica

Emotional/Verbal:

Financial

◦Personal Rights

How do abusive relationships start?

Why does an abused partner stay?

How do things go wrong?

Are men more violent than women?

Are certain problems more likely than others to trigger violence?

What do you do if you're in an abusive relationship?

Domestic and intimate partner violence

Click the red escape button above to immediately leave this site if your abuser may see you reading it.

Related information

What is domestic and intimate partner violence?

Physical abuse like hitting, shoving, kicking, biting, or throwing things
Emotional abuse like yelling, controlling what you do, or threatening to cause serious problems for you
Sexual abuse like forcing you to do something sexual you don't want to do

If you are in immediate danger, you can call 911. It is possible for the police to arrest an abuser and to escort you and your children to a safe place. Learn more about getting help for domestic abuse.
Often, abuse starts as emotional abuse and then becomes physical later. It's important to get help early.
Sometimes it is hard to know if you are being abused. You can learn more about signs of abuse.
Your partner may try to make you feel like the abuse is your fault. Remember that you cannot make someone mistreat you. The abuser is responsible for his or her behavior. Abuse can be a way for your partner to try to have control over you.
Violence can cause serious physical and emotional problems, including depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. It's important to try to take care of your health. And if you are using drugs or alcohol to cope with abuse, get help.
There probably will be times when your partner is very kind. Unfortunately, abusers often begin the mistreatment again after these periods of calm. In fact, over time, abuse often gets worse, not better. Even if your partner promises to stop the abuse, make sure to learn about hotlines and other ways to get help for abuse.
An abusive partner needs to get help from a mental health professional. But even if he or she gets help, the abuse may not stop.

Getting help for domestic abuse

If you are in immediate danger, call 911 or leave.
If you are hurt, go to a local hospital emergency room.
Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) or 800-787-3224 (TDD). The hotline offers help in many languages 24 hours a day, every day. Hotline staff can give you the phone numbers of local shelters and other resources.
Plan ahead. Violence sometimes gets worse right after leaving, so think about a safe place to go. You can get advice from the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Look up state resources for a list of local places to get help.
Review a full checklist of items to take if you leave, such as your marriage license, any children's birth certificates, and money. Put these things somewhere you can get them quickly. Of course, if you are in immediate danger, leave without them.
Have a cellphone handy. Try not to call for help from your home phone or a shared cellphone since an abuser may be able to trace the numbers. If possible, get a prepaid cellphone or your own cellphone. Some domestic violence shelters offer free cellphones.
Contact your family court (or domestic violence court, if offered by your state) for information about getting a court order of protection. If you need legal help but don't have much money, your local domestic violence agency may be able to help you find a lawyer who will work for free.
Create a code word to use with friends and family to let them know you are in danger. If possible, agree on a secret location where they can pick you up.
If you can, hide an extra set of car keys so you can leave if your partner takes away your keys.
When you leave, try to bring any evidence of abuse, like threatening notes from your partner or copies of police reports.
Reach out to someone you trust — a family member, friend, co-worker, or spiritual leader. Look into ways to get emotional help, like a support group or mental health professional.

Domestic violence shelters

Individual counseling
Family counseling
Support groups
Job training and help finding work
Legal help
Help finding permanent housing
Childcare and other services for your children
Help getting financial aid

Transitional housing

Individual counseling
Family counseling
Support groups
Job training
Help finding affordable, permanent housing
Legal help
Childcare and others services for your children

Domestic abuse and children

Behavior problems and problems at school
Feelings of guilt for not being able to stop the abuse
Depression, anxiety, substance use, and other mental health problems
Health problems even many years later

If you are being abused and have children, you can take steps to help them:

Get help for your children by getting help for yourself. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for information about leaving an abusive situation or taking care of yourself and your children if you are not ready to leave.
Talk to a health professional, like a pediatrician or a counselor.
Be supportive and available to listen to your children.
Make sure children know that the abuse is not their fault.
Tell children to stay away if you are being hit.
See if you can find ways to reduce your stress, like getting emotional support from a friend.

You also can get help from the court system.

A court order of protection to keep an abuser away from you and your children. If you get an order that protects your children, give a copy to their school.
A custody order, which can say that your children will live with you and not your partner. If your children are going to see their father, they may be able to see him at a visitation center, which is set up to be safe.
An order to make the abuser pay child support.

Sometimes, abuse begins when you are pregnant.

HIV and domestic abuse

Related information

Violence against women and HIV risk

If you are currently in an abusive relationship, you are more likely to get HIV. That's partly because abusive men are more likely to have sexual partners other than their wife. Also, if you are in an abusive relationship, your partner may force you to have sex, and forced sex can cause cuts that can let HIV enter your body. In addition, an abusive partner may refuse to use a condom, which could put you at risk for HIV.
If you were physically or sexually abused as a child, you have an increased risk of getting HIV. That's because women who were abused as children are more likely to have a higher number of sex partners. Women who were abused as children are also less likely to use condoms each time they have sex.
Women with HIV may be at risk of violence when they tell a partner about their HIV status. Take these steps to lower the risk that your partner will react violently:
- Tell your partner that you have HIV before you get sexually involved.
- Tell your partner that you have HIV in a semi-public place. A public park is a good place, because it gives you some privacy, but other people are around in case you need help.
- If you feel at all threatened by your partner's reaction, stop seeing each other or at least keep meetings public for a while.

Why some women don't leave

If you are in an abusive relationship and are not sure if you are ready to leave

Abuse often gets worse. It may be possible for a partner to change, but it takes work and time. If your partner is blaming you or other factors for his or her behavior, your partner probably is not ready to change.
You deserve to be safe and happy.
Even if you are not ready to leave, you can still contact a domestic violence hotline or a local shelter for support, safety planning, and services.
People want to help. Many services are available at no cost, including childcare, temporary housing, job training, and legal aid.
You need support. Reach out to people you trust.

If a friend or loved one is not leaving an abusive relationship,

friend needs your support

Challenges facing older women

Having grown up and married during a time when domestic abuse was tolerated or ignored
Having lived with abuse for many years, which can lead to problems like poor self-esteem
Feeling a duty to take care of an aging partner
Not knowing a lot about risks of sexually transmitted infections, how to use a condom, or how to negotiate with a partner to use a condom
Feeling afraid to live alone after being with someone for many years
Having less of a support network, such as when friends retire and move away

National Domestic Violence Hotline

National Clearinghouse on Abuse in Later Life

Learn more about elder abuse.

More information on Domestic and intimate partner violence

Explore other publications and websites

Abuse During Pregnancy (Copyright © March of Dimes) - This website defines abuse and talks about how to stay safe during pregnancy if you are experiencing physical or emotional abuse.
Are You Being Abused? (Copyright © American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists) - This simple quiz helps victims and those who care about them identify the signs of abuse. It encourages victims to seek assistance and gives phone numbers to call for help.
Domestic Violence Against Women: Recognize Patterns, Seek Help (Copyright © Mayo Foundation) - This fact sheet list signs of domestic violence. It also gives ways to seek help if you are experiencing domestic violence.
Domestic Violence: Protecting Yourself and Your Children (Copyright © American Academy of Family Physicians) - This publication provides information on how to protect yourself and your children from domestic violence, where to go to get help, and other important facts you should know about domestic violence.
Domestic Violence: Safety Tips for You and Your Family (Copyright © American Bar Association) - This publication gives safety tips on how to protect yourself from violent situations and how to use the law to help protect yourself.
Intimate Partner Violence - This website has information on definitions, risk factors, prevention strategies, and consequences of intimate partner violence in the United States.
Let's Talk Facts About Domestic Violence (Copyright © American Psychiatric Association) - This fact sheet explains what domestic violence is and the mental health effects of abuse. It also gives information on how you can get help and leave an abuser.
National Resource Centers on Family Violence - This resource provides a list of centers that give information about domestic violence. It includes a description of each organization and its website’s link.
Power and Control Wheel (Copyright © Family Violence Prevention Fund) - In an abusive relationship, power and control are repeatedly misused by an abuser. This wheel gives examples of physical, verbal, and sexual abuse and violence.
Questions and Answers About Domestic Violence (Copyright © National Child Traumatic Stress Network) - This publication explains the different environments in which domestic violence may occur and the effects of domestic violence on children.
Spouse/ Partner Abuse Information (Copyright © National Council on Child Abuse and Family Violence) - This website gives basic facts, explains types of abuse, and offers suggestions to prevent domestic violence.
The Facts on Reproductive Health and Violence Against Women (Copyright © Family Violence Prevention Fund) - Abuse during pregnancy can have lasting harmful effects for a woman, the developing fetus, and newborns. This fact sheet gives statistics about women abused during pregnancy and explains the effects of violence.
Understanding Intimate Partner Violence - This fact sheet provides information on the number of women who experience intimate partner violence, common behaviors of an abuser, and the effects abuse has on individuals and society.

Journey Through Silence

Pages

Domestic Violence